No Fat Kid Left Behind

Here in America, our First Lady tells us that we have food deserts. No, not desserts. Deserts.

A food desert, as I understand it, is a place absent grocery stores where parents may buy good healthy stalks of broccoli with which to feed their broods. It is a place devoid of healthy food, but overwhelmed by the inevitable nearby strip of fast food joints where desperate parents, unable to find decent grocery stores, are forced to feed their kids cheeseburgers and fries. Making them fat.

Fast food strips are interesting phenomena here in the land of plenty. Americans are in a hurry. We like the drive through option. First, you might see the golden arches. After that, comes the home of the whopper. Maybe a little later a taco place. Then, a chicken joint followed by two pizzas for under 10 bucks. It is not too complicated to figure out how this works. One of the franchise operations does the market research for the location. When they build and succeed the others soon follow. They rarely lose or go out of business and you can usually walk to one of them from the nearest grocery store – heck, they likely share the same food desert parking lot. Get near a mall or shopping area and in addition to the standard fast food, you come upon sit down fast food places – pasta, burgers, steak and meals like Mom used to make. All of it right near the Wal-Mart Super Center with its big ole grocery store and well-stocked produce section.

I do not know for sure who is losing their minds. Either it is the nannies who want to make our daily menu selections or it is the rest of America. We are a nation that seems to be concerned because there is too much food available – even in the First Lady’s vast food deserts. Is too much available food the real problem? One of us, I am convinced, is full of nachos and jalapeño cheese dip.

Our children are now chubby enough that some of their schools are sending letters home telling Mom and Dad that they have fat kids. As if Mom and Dad had not noticed. Do you reckon they send those letters home with the lineman on the football team? Schools that no longer want to harm the child’s self-esteem by giving them an F for rotten work or by marking their papers with red ink are not overly concerned about telling them they are too fat and therefore not normal. I wonder how that works on the mind –and self-esteem – of today’s typically appearance obsessed 13 year-old girl. Here fatso, take this letter home to your mama. “Hey guys, Jenny got a fatso letter.” Yes, and these are some of the same school districts that want to help fat Jenny get an abortion without telling her parents about it. But fatness, no we cannot have that. Fat is bad for her health.

Here is a wild thought. Can Jenny or Johnny write complete sentences and logical thoughts in the English language without saying “u r fat lol.” Can either of them read at the appropriate grade level? Can either of them solve math problems at the appropriate level? Does either of them know the history of the United States? Can either of them answer simple general science questions? Should that not be the focus of our school systems instead of the child’s body mass index?

Here is another wild thought. Mandatory fitness programs, barring physical disabilities, from grades K through 12. How about making Jenny and Johnny participate in structured, sweaty, muscle fatiguing, physical fitness programs in their public schools? I know that would create make-up and blow dryer issues, but they can adjust. That is how we get the fat off of Jenny and make her healthy.

Sending a fat kid letter home to Mom and Dad could help, but only if it weighed 25 pounds and we strapped in on Jenny’s back and made her walk it home.

I suddenly have an odd craving for a chili dog and cheese fries. You know, it is hard to find a good chili dog these days. Chili dog deserts, now there’s a real crisis. Maybe we can get the First Lady to work on that.

© 2010

Restoring Sanity?

Comedy Central’s faux news men John Stewart and Steven Colbert held a rally in Washington DC on October 30, 2010. They called it the restoring sanity rally. It is just what America needs- two more half-wits attempting to restore sanity. The half-wit- in -chief and his bevy of half-wit czars along with the two half-wits in charge of Congress could not do it so maybe it was okay for them to take a shot. But, to be fair I do not believe sanity was in the vision statement of the current Washington regime. At least not sanity as it is viewed by those who are actually sane.

I am not sure if the Stewart-Colbert comedy cabal with its union rent-a-crowd actually defined which form of insanity it is from which we need to recover. The liberal’s brand of insanity they endorse or the clinical brand of it that permeates Washington. Again, in fairness, I am not sure there is much of a difference

Maybe it is me who is insane. I do periodically entertain that thought during these self-chats.

If, however, the goal of the comedic duo was the restoration of sanity, maybe it was not such a swell first step to have Yusuf Islam (formerly Cat Stevens) as a featured guest. Yusuf, who was Cat before his conversion to Islam, thought that the fatwa issued calling for the death of Salman Rushdie was a good idea. He supported it. What was Mr. Rushdie’s crime against Islam? He wrote a novel, The Satanic Verses, that was considered blasphemes. If we applied the same mindset here in America, where the half-wits wish to restore sanity, public stoning would necessarily replace baseball as the national pastime and they would be in the on deck circle.

After our comic crusaders for sanity fix Washington, we should put them a Huffington Post purchased union bus and send them out to California. They have an unemployment rate of 12.4% out there. They have a budget deficit of $25.4 billion. They are taxing and regulating businesses out of the state. They will not confront their illegal immigration problem, which costs them $9 billion a year. To fix the problems facing their state, they once again elected Jerry Moonbeam Brown to the governorship. They sent Barbara “don’t call me ma’am” Boxer back to the Senate and they blessed America with San Fran Nan Pelosi. If you banged those three heads together you could not produce a single spark of sanity. Californians selected the people who created their problems to fix their problems – now that is insanity.

While out there on the left coast, maybe they can find out for us why California’s sane would want to legalize pot and ban the happy meal? Are doobies better for the children than cheeseburgers and French fries? Oh, I forgot about the initiative to ban circumcision. Reckon the cops could check for that when the pull you over for talking on the phone and not wearing your seatbelt. I wonder if our sanity cops, Stewart and Colbert, have a sanity red phone. We need to call them and tell them to get on the first thing smokin’, well maybe not smokin’, toward California.

Maybe we can get them to work on this one too. The next time Colbert has an in-depth discussion about world affairs with the dude that lives in the Whitehouse, he can make sure that the dude-in-chief understands that Iran is a rouge state. Arizona is not.

I know that our warriors of wit are going to be busy trying to restore sanity, but I would ask them to make one stopover in Oklahoma on their way west. They can put their arms around Judge Vicki Miles-LaGrange and explain that Sharia law may work just fine for Islam, but it does not quite gel with the United States Constitution – or anything American for that matter. But that brings me back to where I started this self-chat. Maybe I will see if I can find Peace Train on ITunes

Maybe it is me who is insane. Hee-hee. I’m going to go work on the bunker.

© 2010

JD Calls Peggy Noonan a Nincompoop

My Dear Peg:

If I may be so forward to address you so. I read your book, When Character Was King, A Story of Ronald Reagan. I bought and read your book because Ronald Reagan was indeed a man of character. He was an example that all of us would do well to emulate. Including you. Except for having to endure your wistful fluttering leaf windswept landscape writing style it was an okay read. I do not seek out and read your commentaries. I deplore condescension and that is the voice in which your writing communicates with my mental ear. Your compositions are mostly filled elitist nincompoopery. I suppose you do write to your audience.

Have you read Reagan, In His Own Hand? Maybe you should get a copy and study it. It contains the messages he delivered that were written in his own hand. They were direct, plain and common sense messages. Many of them were the one-minute radio spots that he recorded in his run up to the Presidency. They were easily understood by the less sophisticated of us. Including me. Ronald Reagan connected with the average American, Peg. And he did it long before you crafted any of his speeches. It was not you and others like who made him who he was. It is most likely the transverse that is true.

Karl Rove told us there was a lesson to learn from Christine O’Donnell’s loss in the Delaware Senate race. I find myself agreeing with the hydrocephalic political pundit. But, I think the lesson learned is not the lesson that was on Karl’s mind. If you recall, Mr. Rove and his establishment Republican cohorts came out against O’Donnell from the beginning because she was not the establishment’s preferred candidate. Who cares that she was picked by the people. I have admired Mr. Rove’s political skills, but he is just another elitist. His life is the elitist sport of politics. He will not support the membership of a non-pedigreed upstart into his club. We saw this play out in Nevada, in Alaska and in Florida. Mr. Rove did not come right out and call Miss O’Donnell ignorant and a nincompoop as you did Sarah Palin, which is probably the kindest assessment you have made of her, but his message is the same as yours.

In television interviews she was out of her depth in a shallow pool. She was limited in her ability to explain and defend her positions, and sometimes in knowing them. She couldn’t say what she read because she didn’t read anything. She was utterly unconcerned by all this and seemed in fact rather proud of it: It was evidence of her authenticity. She experienced criticism as both partisan and cruel because she could see no truth in any of it. She wasn’t thoughtful enough to know she wasn’t thoughtful enough. – Peggy Noonan on Sarah Palin

We hear what you are saying out here Peg. You, Mrs. Palin, are just not well-heeled enough to be one of us. We prefer a more sophisticated class. Our liberal education system has made a valiant effort to end it, but we remain a relatively literate country. We can think too. When someone we like and view as one of ours is constantly pummeled by the likes of you and our Karl Roves, we grow weary. If Ronald Reagan was beginning his run today, you and Karl would have the same things to say about him. Admit it.

Instead of the tea party, you prefer the cocktail party Peg. It is a party where snobassity abounds. It is full of John Kerry types and editorialists peering down their noses at the great unwashed mass of humanity that comprises most of America. In that setting you are able to bask in your own brilliance. It is where pontification has a higher standing than actual accomplishment. Take a look around you and see who stands in that room with you. We are seeking substance out here Peg. Where is it in your party? We have grown tired of people who have never lived it telling us how to live it.

I do agree with one comment about Ronald Reagan in your nincompoop article:

He was a great man and you are a nincompoop.

© 2010