In answer to the President’s call, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Reverends both I am told, along with Minister of the Nation of Islam Louis Farrakhan and New Black Panther leader Malik Zulu Shaabazz gathered at the Whitehouse rose garden. The Reverends two and Minister Lou called for a national day of calm and a healing prayer for an end to the divisiveness brought on by hate mongers like Rush Limbaugh who would use a tragic event to further a political cause and their own self-promotion. Shaabazz announced that the New Black Panther party was prepared to support with ten thousand dollars any inner city community that would start a mentoring program for young men to teach them responsibility and help them to acquire skills to become productive citizens.
The President’s pastor Jeremiah Wright, previously banished from the Whitehouse grounds, prayed as he has been known to do that God would bless the United States of America.
In a heartfelt plea, the President called for national unity adding that if he had sons he could only hope that they would turn out to be like these men with him there in the garden. The First Lady added that for the first time in her adult life, she was truly proud of her country.
Vice President Biden assured America that this was a big effin deal.
Sadly, Nancy Pelosi was unable to speak during this historic event because Botox injections froze her mouth shut. Cases of Botox were subsequently shipped to the office of Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Over at Homeland Security, Secretary Napolitano stated that the massive amounts of small arms ammunition recently ordered by Homeland Security was nothing more than a government stimulus for ammunition manufacturers. She fast and furiously insisted that there is really nothing more to it than that.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced a concerted effort to root out the communists and radical Islamic sympathizers who have permeated the U.S. State Department over the decades. After she finishes this, she will lay out her strategy for totally absorbing the United Nations as a branch of the State Department, making her the de facto leader of a new global government. When asked if she saw a role for her husband, she mentioned the possibility of goodwill ambassador to Amsterdam’s red light district, but would not further elaborate.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geitner said he would lay out his new plan to fix our nation’s failing economy as soon as he masters Turbo Tax.
In the Pentagon, former Director of the Central Intelligence Agency and now Secretary of Defense stated that homosexualiztion of the U.S. Armed Forces is going better than he ever hoped it would. He announced his plan to move forward with new initiatives on that front. It will now be acceptable for men who so choose to wear female uniforms, feminine hair styles and make up that is in good taste. He added that this also means women in the military may now sport high and tight haircuts and wear male uniforms if they choose.
In further developments, and to make our fraternity of warriors more inclusive the Secretary announced that all military chaplains would have to denounce their religious denomination and profess allegiance with the one religion that would be allowed for the military. The tenets of this one religion will be those that the government supports as most beneficial to our new world view. Chaplains who do not accept their role in this new faith may be retrained as Infantry, both male and female. Furthermore, chaplains will be required to perform homosexual weddings. Homosexual spouses will be afforded all the benefits enjoyed by heterosexual spouses.
In closing, the Secretary explained how under the Affordable Care Act military families and military retirees will necessarily see their health insurance rates triple.
The Secretary was certain that his new plans for the military would have a definite impact on recruitment and retention. Due to national security, the Secretary was unable to disclose all of the great changes he was able to put into place while at the CIA.
Then it was April 2nd.