Reading this increases the chances that…

Bacon makes everything taste better. It still tastes good even after the World Health Organization decided this food staple is giving me colorectal cancer. Now I do not eat bacon every day, but on most mornings scrambled eggs with cheese and a few strips of bacon get me going. That and copious amounts of coffee, which I hear is also bad for me but they have lain off that one since walking around with a coffee cup in your hand became a fashion accessory. Yes, even the salad gets some real bacon in it. Lettuce counteracts the effects of the bacon much in the same way that a diet soda pop counteracts the effects of a double cheeseburger and fries.

I have undoubtedly consumed tons of bacon, processed meat and red meat. Just last year I had my periodic colorectal cancer screening. The Doc told me it looks so good up in there that I did not need come back and see him again for ten years. You would think that something calling itself the World Health Organization could find better uses for its time. Apparently I am now 18 percent more likely to get cancer than a vegan. I also like hot dogs with chili and onions, bratwurst, smoked sausage, steak, ribs, cheeseburgers, cheese steaks, and fried bologna sandwiches and now after all of these years I learned I am giving myself cancer. Well dip me in a vat of five alarm chili.

Do you recall some years ago when another of these studies determined that artificial sweeteners used in soda pop also caused cancer. The tests showed it caused cancer in lab rats. Not long after this report came out it was determined that for an equivalent amount of that given to the rats, a human would have to consume about 7 cases of diet soda a day for I do not recall how many years, but it was a bunch. Another dilemma. Diet pop gives you cancer sugary pop gives you diabetes.

It is beginning to look like the only reasonable course of action is a diet of organically grown lettuce and bottled water. But if we all pursue that course the methane levels will become dangerously higher and spontaneous human combustion could become a real problem. Not to mention global warming. Just consider the poor polar bears. I am not taking on the guilt burden for wiping out the polar bear population so I will have to take my chances with bacon. Thick sliced, thin sliced, maple cured, hickory smoked and fried in its own aromatic grease. Ten years from now I will re-visit the roto-rooter doc and see how I am doing.

For those of you that might be in a panic about this and have probably thrown out the bacon and made your cancer screening appointments I want you to think about some things. The possibilities that you might die in your sleep increases a hundred fold every night when you go to bed. Do you know the staggering amount of people who are seriously injured by falling at home? Well, you certainly increase your chances of being one of them just by getting out of bed every morning. By venturing outside the likelihood that you will be run over by a garbage truck or bus increases tremendously. And in your car? My goodness what if the seatbelt fails or the air bag explodes in your face while you are driving down the interstate at 70 miles per hour! Maybe you should not get out of bed or get into it for that matter and stay in the house. Never leave it.

I think I will have a double bacon cheeseburger, chili cheese fries and a large diet pop. Then I will partake of the next thing most certainly to kill me. The presidential debates.

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