The Internet and social media turned me into a shallow headline reader

By J. D. Pendry

I even have trouble making it through a one-minute video.  I’m told patience is a virtue.  I guess I must strike another from my dwindling list.  I read, but if a book doesn’t capture me in the first few pages, I move on.  I suffer from self-inflicted attention deficit disorder.  Don’t roll your eyes, you do too.  I’m told you can’t solve a problem unless you admit you have one.  I’m still convinced the Internet is a government plot to make us all stupid or at least to guide our thinking and actions and we fell for it.

Good headline writers coax you into mind-numbing prose and have you searching for the rarely found headline promise.  More often than not they rely on common assumptions to draw you in.  I am convinced the Internet and social media are dumbing us down.  So convinced that when I saw the headline, IQ rates are dropping in many developed countries, I just knew some enterprising journalist proved my theory.  I read until my head drooped, my eyes were half shut, and a little drool leaked out the corner of my mouth.  Turns out it’s in Western European countries where the bulbs are dimming.  Right before I slammed the door shut, the writer put forth a theory:   Because of too much poverty and too little social support the US of A is not as advanced as the European countries.  In other words, we have to catch up to them (become more utopian I suppose having the government do everything for us) before we can achieve their level of intellectual decline.  What a goal?  Maybe if they had to solve their own problems…. The clunking sound you heard was my IQ dropping.  Being an old country boy from up the holler I don’t have a lot of IQ points to fool around with.  You ain’t so bright either.  Be careful what you read.  Excluding of course everything I write.

There’s the news about eliminating the electoral college.  Some states are voting to give their electoral college votes to whomever wins the national popular vote.  That of course is insane unless you live in the major coastal population centers where your vote could turn the remainder of the country into a serfdom.  If a lot of states pass such legislation, it would actually be a Constitutional crisis.  I’m not a soothsayer, but let me promise you this.  If a Republican wins the national popular vote, these pure democracy-seeking New York and San Francisco Communists will twist themselves into pretzels trying to explain why they were just kidding.  Sounds to me like a true Russian democracy.

Did you read about Badnawar, India’s rampaging monkey?  The monkey attacked people in town for 9 days killing one person and injuring nine others.  I’ll save you some reading time.  No one shot the monkey.  Instead there was a protest for lack of rabies vaccinations.  Eventually they captured the wild monkey terrorist.  Monkey 10, humans 0.

Out in Washington state, they’re going to start composting humans.  Not live ones, I hope.  They’re out to save the earth they worship.  Here’s the deal.  The vessel that carries my spirit and soul is just that.  I won’t be there so whatever you do with the body is meaningless.  If I do this life right, I’ll certainly be in a much better place.  You earth worshippers?  Good luck.  I used to tease Suzie-Q, but she didn’t like this particular tease.  I told her go cheap when I die.  Maybe a 2-ply trash bag and put me out by the curb on garbage day.  Now, all she has to do is haul the wood chipper up near my compost pile and stuff me in it.  Piece by piece of course.

Finally, there’s politics in the twilight zone.  Never matter that we only have 12 years before the world goes up in flames.  Put down your coffee because it’s painful when hot coffee spews out of your nose.  Joe Handsy Biden assures us that President Trump inherited the great Obama Biden economy.  They tell me that old blue-collar Joe knows.  And this is why they need to eliminate the Electoral College.

Life is good.

© 2019 J. D. Pendry, J. D. Pendry’s American Journal, All Rights Reserved

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